If Tommy Cooper was still alive ....

... he would probably be telling these jokes.





I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.. It was a turtle disaster.

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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?' I said 'No, just a watch.'

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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

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I phoned the local ramblers club, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'

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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything..'

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I phoned the local builders, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

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I was stealing things in the supermarket while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar?' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

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